9 Things Guys Secretly Hate About Blow Jobs

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Like most things about sex, guys don’t hate blow jobs. Most guys don’t, anyway. In fact, some men actually prefer blow jobs to sex (works cited: Three 6 Mafia’s “I’d Rather”). But blow jobs can still come with their own baggage, and a lot of the baggage they come with has to do with coming.

1. Accidentally warning you that he’s about to finish way too early. It can be incredibly awkward to think an orgasm is coming, give your partner a heads up and have them put their all into working toward the finish line, only to realize it was a false alarm. It’s like telling a marathon runner they’re almost at the end of the race 10 miles in.

2. Accidentally warning you that he’s about to finish way too late. Warning you early is annoying, sure. But warning you too late can lead to a whole host of problems. Best case, your partner aborts just as the orgasm starts and it goes up their nose. Worst case scenario … well, they probably won’t give you another blow job for, like, a year.

3. Warning you that he’s about to come and experiencing you dropping his penis like it’s hot. It’s an ejaculating penis, not an explosive device. Please, at the very least, cover it with your hand. Otherwise we’re getting it all over our chest or somewhere in the room. And semen is one of those things you need to find right away. It’s not the kind of thing you want someone else discovering later.

4. Feeling self-conscious about his genitals and undercarriage. Sometimes, even in the throes of passion, the mind can wander. And when it wanders, it can think of things like, “I wonder what my balls smell like to other people?” And that question will haunt you forever.

5. Wondering if he’s taking too long. This is the “watched pot never boils” adage of blow jobs. Once a guy starts wondering if the blow job is taking too long, it’s just going to take even longer. And then it builds on itself.

6. Orgasming before you get yours. The problem here, really, is that the blow job he got was too good, and now he can’t have sex for awhile. Is that the worst problem a man’s penis will encounter in his lifetime? Probably not. Will it still make a guy sad? Absolutely.

7. Anxiety over what you’re thinking. If a guy senses his partner isn’t totally into it, the stress of wondering if she’s enjoying herself can start to take a toll. If you want to go down on someone, great. If you don’t really feel like going down on someone, don’t do it out of any sense of obligation. This is true for literally any sex thing.

8. Awkwardly trying to give verbal instruction when he’s on the brink of orgasm. Trying to talk through a blow job when you’re close-ish to finishing, even in pursuit of receiving a superior blow job, is like trying to keep your eyes open during a sneeze. Impossible and potentially dangerous.

9. Teeth. The pain is unimaginable. Getting a blow job and then suddenly feeling a tooth scrape against the shaft (or worse, catch on the underside of his head) feels like deep betrayal. It’s like someone gave you a chocolate cake and then, while you’re eating it, punches you in the stomach without warning.

 

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